This is Princess's new clock she picked out since her clutzy mother has knocked her old one off the wall several times, bringing it ever closer to the brink of death with every fall, until she internally pulverized the poor thing. The instructions on this clock are even funnier than ABBA's non-directional directions on the lotion. Along with my editorial comments in parentheses:
WE CLAIMED THAT THIS TYPE OF CLOCK IS ORDINARY CLOCK, NOT TOYS FOR CHILDREN.
(Sounds like they're saying "We told you so")
1. How to Using?
1. Turn off two accessory first
2. Take clock out
( A. The "accessory"? That would be the 2 screws holding the clock onto the packaging.
B. These instructions were INSIDE the clock!)
2. How to Hanging?
2. Find a truly vertical position on your wall
(as opposed to all those horizontal walls? Aren't those called floors?)
3. How to Cleaning?
1. Please be very cautious near the motor and heating elements
(Heating elements? Really? In a clock?)
3. Never use Gasoline, Benzene or thinner. This will damage the surface.
(What the??? Who cleans their house with gasoline? No mention of how dangerous it would be to get gasoline near those 'heating elements'? )
It’s us, but in dead animal form. But not really dead because they weren’t ever alive. Undead? No. That makes them sound like vampires. So not that. Fuck. I don’t know the word. Hey, how long can a title be? Because this seems excessive. Someone should stop me. Jesus. This is as bad as 280-character twitter.
9 hours ago